How to piss off a Jersey girl



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Warn her that tanning could cause cancer.

We worked very hard on that tan. While I can’t speak for every Jersey girl, it should be known that a lot of us spend hours on end at salons basking in ultraviolet radiation to perfect that orange glow. Especially during the winter season. So best keep your thoughts to yourself on this one.

Flirt with her man. Or woman.

Ooh, this is a definite no no. Start making eyes with her date and she will be all over it in a matter of seconds. Just don’t.

Say that New Jersey has too many malls.

How can there can ever be too many malls?

Call the shore the beach.

It’s the shore.

Knock our rock gods Jon Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen.

There are Jersey girls, and then there are Jovi girls. Inexplicably obsessed with big hair, cheesy guitar music, and Jon himself….don’t mess with a Jovi girl or she will beckon her posse of Jovi disciples and all hell will break loose.

More so, some of us have probably had the same Bruce poster hanging on our bedroom ceiling since like, 1988. He is The Boss after all, so have some respect.

Compare her to Snooki.

The Jersey Shore show has done nothing but tar our image. The fact that it somehow elevated Snooki as the poster girl of New Jersey is just wrong. Sure, Jersey girls like to get down and party from time to time like the rest of us, but don’t assume they’re all booze-crazed, club-going airheads who think hair bumps are a good fashion move. There are plenty of Jersey women, like Queen Latifah and Meryl Streep, who are far cooler. And Snooki isn’t even from here.

Root for the Yankees while you know damn well she’s a Mets fan.

Better think twice before parading your dumb Yankees foam finger around her — because she will give you at least ten reasons why your team sucks and is overrated.

Mention Chris Christie in a conversation.

This is bound to piss any New Jerseyan off, but women especially, since the man is a misogynist asshole. On top of everything else we hate about him.

Suggest dining somewhere that does not have one of the following on the menu: pork roll, hoagies, or tomato pie.

We are damn proud of our culinary scene, so insulting our food is bound to push a few buttons. And might involve getting a pie shoved into your face.

Only drive the speed limit. In the left lane.

She won’t tolerate your slow-moving ass. The left lane is the passing lane. Also, never, ever cut a Jersey girl off on the road. The results ain’t pretty.

Call New Jersey the “Armpit of America.”

She will defend her state and all its shore-going, diner-eating goodness to the end. So, don’t even entertain the thought of mocking it. New Jersey is so much more than a breeding ground for air pollution, corrupt politicians, and other skanks who’ve given it a bad rap.


Was that my out loud voice?

I should have known better. Nearly 50 years old and I’ve known this woman my entire life how did I think it would go, really? What happened you asked….I took my mother on a road trip with my teenage son and tween daughter. Our travels included a flight from Trenton, New Jersey to Chicago, where we spent a night. The next day we drove to Wisconsin to see a beloved family member perform at a dinner theater. Two nights in Wisconsin then we drove back to Chicago to fly back to New Jersey. My kids call my mother Nannie, I usually call her crazy (in my head, mostly).

The trouble started about 3 days before we left. I got a frantic call from my mother, her friend who was going to cat sit got herself into some trouble with the law. Yup, you read that right. My mother’s friend…we will call her Mandy has a mental disorder which makes ordinary tasks more challenging. She is a sweet person she just doesn’t have a solid grasp on financial matters. She got sucked into some predatory loan trap and ultimately wound up trying to cash a fraudulent check which may or may not get her into a heap of trouble. Anyhow, Mandy was going to cat sit for my mother while we were away but my mother fired her due to the aforementioned steamy shit pile.

Mom was nearly crying on the phone worried about her cat and who would take care of her while we were away. Don’t get me wrong I like animals. I house a dog, a gecko and a gold fish we got at a fair a year ago (that thing thrives on neglect and malnutrition only explanation for it’s longevity). I get it you need someone to feed the cat but we’ll only be gone for three days. Do you really cancel a trip that someone else paid for so you can see your granddaughter in a starring role because the “regular” cat sitter is unavailable? My husband over hearing this conversation, graciously volunteered to feed the cat. My mom was still shook up but was slightly relieved. She started to mention the litter box and I shushed her on that. The hubs changed his fair share of diapers but I knew the litter box was a deal breaker. She left him 6 paragraphs of handwritten instructions. He followed the important one, feed the cat.

A few days later we were on our way. Now I will admit it….I’m a part time control freak. I say part time because my personal desk is far too messy to be claimed by a full time control freak. That said I go into full on freak mode when it comes to being on time regarding air travel and such. I’m also out of practice being the alpha on these types of trips. My husband prefers to drive and I’ve gotten used to letting him take the reins on family adventures. I typically do 90% of the planning then he executes the transportation in all of it’s forms. This time it was all on me – kids, my senior mom and a shitty GPS.

I had the kids and our stuff packed and in the car, it was time to get Nannie. She lives 10 minutes away from us so that part is easy. She wasn’t ready on time, she never is, it gets padded into the schedule but still manages to piss me off. As I was sitting in my car waiting I realized that I did not have my passport. Which I wouldn’t need anyway except the rental car paperwork specified that two forms of photo ID were required so back to my house we went. With the Nannie waiting, going back to get my passport (which my husband accurately predicted I would not need……but the paperwork said…blah…blah) and going to the Trenton, New Jersey airport for the first time, we still arrived about an hour and 40 minutes before departure. This would not be a ridiculous buffer time if we were at a normal airport. This airport is tiny, about the size of an average size grocery store. In hindsight we could have gotten there 10 minutes before the flight and still been fine, live and learn.

My mother packs a ridiculous amount of shit for three days. Sad part is she needs most of it for the various aches, pains and injuries she’s collected over 72 years. She had enough pills and supplements to supply a Walgreen’s. She also packed a heating pad type of device. It’s a tubular shape and has beads in it that you can heat in a microwave. This got my mom a pat down and a thorough bag search at both airports. After all that we still had an hour and a half to wait. Had a snack, checked my email and read a book, relaxing stuff. Nannie decides she has to use the bathroom the minute they start making the boarding announcement. By this time everyone in the tiny airport was standing up in predator mode ready to pounce when their row was called. Now, if my mother was the type to rush in and rush out that would be one thing but I have seen her go into a public restroom before and not come out for 20 minutes. Luckily she realized this would not work out and we boarded.

The flight was quick, a little bumpy but nothing like the horror stories I had heard from some friends regarding Frontier Airlines. We arrived on time and did the schlep through O’Hare to get to a taxi. The ride was slow but enjoyable, we had a charming driver from West Africa and the weather was pleasant, so far – so good. We checked into the hotel around 4pm. My mother immediately left the room for parts unknown despite my requests that we stay together. We found her about 10 minutes later in the lobby and we all ventured out together.

I read about architectural sight seeing tours on the Chicago River and thought it would be a good use of our limited time. It was a bit chilly walking toward the Navy Pier and I saw the ticket booth and mentioned the tour. Everyone was in except my mother, she declined. She did it once 13 years ago didn’t need to do it again. OK I got the tickets for the kids and I and decided we should eat right away as we had an hour and 10 minutes before the tour.

We went to a chain restaurant at the Navy Pier. My son made the unfortunate selection of pizza. I say this as someone from the NJ/NY area, our standards for pizza are different. He felt sick after one slice. Soldier through little man and I will feed you later, pinky promise. I asked my mom if she had her cell phone on her and she told me she left it home. She was under the impression it wouldn’t work in Chicago or Wisconsin. Um, OK. I paid for the meal, gave my mom an extra key card for the hotel room, said a silent prayer and hoped for the best. The hotel was a few blocks away and was in a straight line so I was somewhat confident she could make it back.

The kids and I had a great time on the tour. Chicago is such a unique city and the architecture is varied and interesting. The guide was great, he gave us tons of information and trivia about the area. We walked back toward the hotel as soon as the tour was over. Mom was sitting in the lobby. When I asked why she wasn’t in the room, she said her key card did not work, it required an “app”. I was baffled by this statement as I had used my key card to get in without incident. We went up to the room and gave hers a test drive and it worked. Not sure where the “app” reference came in or why the front desk couldn’t assist while we were out but we got back in.

My son still needed food so I was preparing to go out again. Nannie was already sprawled on the couch watching CNN and declared herself done for the night. She declined my offer to open up the sofa bed. My daughter also stayed back so it was just the two of us. My first priority was to walk to the Hyatt where I would get the rental car the next day. A gentleman at the Hyatt showed us a list of restaurants and we settled on Catch 35. We had an outrageously good meal there and enjoyed the evening lights of Chicago. We were back in the room by 9:30. Nannie was snoring on the couch with her glasses still on her face, fully dressed with CNN blaring. I gently removed her glasses, turned down the volume and turned off the lamp near her head. I left a hall light on so she could see where the bathroom was, shut the bedroom door and we all called it a night.

The next day I got the kids up for breakfast and let Nannie sleep in. Breakfast was lousy but at least there was coffee. I brought some back for Nannie. My son wanted to explore some more and I was game so out we went leaving Nannie and my daughter behind once again. We walked along the river and just enjoyed the views. We snaked our way back to the hotel taking a different route to see more sites and then it was time to pack.

We had an 11am check out time so I was ushering everyone in my group out at about 10:59. I asked my son to stay in the lobby with the bags and Nannie while my daughter and I went to get the car. We got to the Hertz counter and we were told the car would not be ready before our reserved time of noon, fair enough. My daughter and I walked back to the hotel lobby and found my son alone with everyone’s bags. Nannie decided she needed to get the New York Times. Not sure why, she doesn’t read it at home but the desire to get the newspaper propelled her out the door on a solo mission. She got back about 15 minutes later with a bump on her head. What happened mom? I asked. She apparently lost her balance on an uneven portion of sidewalk and was helped up by two strangers (thank you fine sirs). Do you need a doctor, Advil, ice? “No, I’m fine” was the reply I got. So we went to the Hyatt to get the car. It still wasn’t noon yet so we waited in the lobby. My mother went to use the bathroom and I followed after to see if she wanted to rethink the ice/Advil/doctor situation. She said she was OK just a little banged up.

With no immediate medical need I was back to focusing on getting the rental car which didn’t arrive until 12:30. I was just about to ask them to extend the return time when the car showed. I plugged in the GPS I took with me from home and it didn’t work. More likely I didn’t give it time to acclimate to the new location, it’s an older model. Luckily I had printed out directions (because I’m old) and off we went.

Traffic in Chicago can be somewhat spectacular. I’ve driven in NYC, Philadelphia, LA and DC so I’m no light weight. I can get my native Jersey Girl in gear behind the wheel when necessary and it was necessary. The sound effects coming out of my mother made it all the more entertaining – intermittent gasps, mild cursing and the virtual braking were a real time commentary on the ever changing traffic conditions. After about an hour the traffic eased up and the scenery shifted from city skyline to farms. We made a couple of stops and a failed detour attempt to find food in Madison, 4 hours later we arrived. My mother started reading each road sign we passed at one point and I didn’t think I was going to make it but I persevered.

The hotel was outdated in the common areas but in a charming old fashioned way. The room itself went from shabby chic to depressing pretty quick but hey it was only two nights. The accommodations included a private bedroom with a king size bed and a room with two queen beds and a tiny sad looking bathroom. I gave Nannie the private bedroom so she could listen to CNN without keeping the rest of us up. My son got his own bed and once again, I slept with my daughter who turns into a human starfish when she sleeps.

I called Peanut (the person we came to see perform) and was quickly out the door to pick her up. I then rounded up the rest of the crew and we went out to eat. The place had a fun atmosphere and we ate outside watching a family with 3 young girls all under the age of 4. The one girl lost 5 balloons in the time we were there, another one fell off a chair while the baby crawled on the table. I was frankly getting tired just watching them and twitched a little recalling the toddler years with my kids. Glad that phase is in the rear view mirror. It’s an adorable and absolutely exhausting phase.

During dinner my mom requested an update on her cat “Mademoiselle”. I texted my husband an quickly got a reply. As luck would have it, he was taking care of her the instant I texted. She looks happy to me (featured image). It put my mother at ease and I replied with a “You’re a saint honey.”

It was all going well and then out of the blue Nannie asks Peanut how much she weighs. I said mom you can’t do that, she’s an adult. You don’t just go up to other female adults and ask how much they weigh. She shrugged me off. Peanut evaded the question and we moved on. The thing is my mother has become obsessed with weight the past 5 years or so. This isn’t the first time she asked Peanut or me how much we weigh. It’s weird. She also weighs herself constantly and makes announcements – 107, 103, 106 “I really need to watch it don’t want to get fat again”. She was never that fat. I have gained some weight the past few years and she will make random insulting comments about how much I eat or how I shouldn’t wear stripes whilst gifting me with a striped shirt, I don’t get it. I exercise regularly and I am within the normal weight range, back off lady.

After dinner, Peanut, the kids and I decided to go to some outlets near our hotel. I asked mom if she wanted to go. She declined. The TV wasn’t working and she wanted to wait to get that resolved. I came back to the room to see if she was sure. Yup, going to wait here. OK , we leave to go to the outlets. We wander around the outlets for an hour or so and whom do we happen to bump into, Nannie. Yup, the same woman who face planted in Chicago that very same morning decided to walk to the outlets in shoes that weren’t very comfortable. Nannie wanted to “look” at shoes, $40. and a Bass pair of walking shoes later, we were driving Peanut back to her place.

At 2am I awake to a very loud alarm clock playing a Kid Rock song…..”Gonna paint the town red and paint his wife white…” I half open one eye and see my mother walk out of her room where the alarm clock is blasting music and watch her casually saunter to the bathroom. I go into her room turn off the alarm clock and go back to bed. I mention this in the morning. The kids heard it, Nannie did not. Sleepwalking?

The next day my mother is reviewing her clothing options and comments that “it looks like I slept in these”. She did in fact sleep in her clothes each night on the trip. She typically just falls asleep in the middle of some activity, usually watching TV and whatever she has on at the time is what she wakes up in. If she brought pajamas I never saw them. She took a shower that morning and the three of us listened to her curse a blue streak at the faucet which was not adjusting to her needs in a timely manner. This day we were scheduled to see Peanut perform so we were out the door around 11am.

The theater was really nice and we were all super excited to see the show. The show started at 1pm and we had lunch as part of the experience. At one point Nannie went to the bathroom and about 15 minutes later she could not find her purse. It’s about to be showtime and I am saying silent prayers that she doesn’t lose her mind at this point because I might lose my shit over the timing. I had my son check the car and my mom and I checked the bathroom. Fortunately a staff member found the purse and all was right in the world for the next 2 hours. That was a close call. The show was amazing and worth every blip encountered along the way.

After the show we walked around the town and took a short walk along the river. We had a nice dinner out and Peanut shared some Nannie stories of her own with my kids when Nannie was in the bathroom. Nannie has a long history of disappearing when caring for children, inappropriate comments, loud TVs and unsolicited political commentary. After dinner, we dropped Peanut off and wished her well. Then we hunkered down for our last night.

The control freak in me was up at the crack of dawn preparing to leave. I needed to get the rental car back by noon to avoid a surcharge. Since I didn’t know what the traffic situation would be I wanted 4 hours to get there, knowing we would make at least two stops on the way. We made it back with time to spare and had a solid 3 hours before our departing flight. Nannie was once again pulled aside by security for the heating pad contraband plus she just looks suspicious. It doesn’t help that’s she’s made bomb jokes in these situations.

I tried to keep an eye on her as the four of us took turns watching our bags and wandering. She sauntered off a few times but always made it back. The real kick in the pants was after we landed in Trenton I could not find my car key. It’s gone somewhere in Chicago or Wisconsin or perhaps tucked away in Nannie’s bag somewhere accidentally on purpose. I still can’t find the damn thing, good thing the hubs had a spare.


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The art of leaving and saying goodbye by Verasteine

Fandoms: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
  • No Archive Warnings Apply
  • Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams
  • Rachel Edwards/Danny "Danno" Williams
  • Steve McGarrett
  • Danny "Danno" Williams
  • Grace Williams
  • Rachel Edwards
  • Matthew Williams
  • Alternate Universe
  • Pre-Canon
  • Romance
Summary

2007 is the year Danny learns that choice can be the worst kind of heartbreak. AU.


Contents

  • 1 Plot
  • 2 Cast
  • 3 Production
    • 3.1 Development
    • 3.2 Visual effects
    • 3.3 Locations
    • 3.4 Casting
    • 3.5 Deleted scene
  • 4 Release
  • 5 Soundtrack
  • 6 Reception
    • 6.1 Box office
    • 6.2 Critical response
    • 6.3 Accolade
  • 7 Home media
  • 8 Cancelled sequel
  • 9 References
  • 10 External links

Bartleby and Loki are fallen angels, eternally banished from heaven to Wisconsin for insubordination, after an inebriated Loki resigned as the Angel of Death. In a newspaper article that arrives anonymously, the angels discover a way home: Cardinal Ignatius Glick is rededicating his church in Red Bank, New Jersey, in the image of the "Buddy Christ". Anyone who enters the church during the rededication festivities will receive a plenary indulgence, remitting all sins. Were the banished angels to undergo this rite and then die after transmuting into human form, God would have no choice but to allow them re-entry into Heaven. They are encouraged by the demon Azrael and the Stygian triplets, three teenaged hoodlums who serve Azrael in hell.

Bethany Sloane—a despondent abortion clinic counselor—attends a service at her church in Illinois. Donations are solicited for a campaign to stop a New Jersey hospital from disconnecting life support on John Doe Jersey, a homeless man who was beaten by the triplets and is now in a coma. Metatron—a seraph, and the voice of God—appears to Bethany in a pillar of fire and explains that if Bartleby and Loki succeed in re-entering Heaven, they will overrule the word of God, disprove the fundamental concept of God's omnipotence, and nullify all of existence. Bethany, aided by two prophets, must stop the angels and save the universe.

Now a target, Bethany is attacked by the triplets, who are driven off by the two foretold prophets—drug-dealing stoners Jay and Silent Bob. Bethany and the prophets are joined by Rufus, the 13th apostle, and Serendipity, the Muse of creative inspiration, now working in a strip club in search of inspiration of her own. Azrael summons the Golgothan, a vile creature made of human excrement, but Bob immobilizes it with aerosol air freshener.

On a train to New Jersey, a drunken Bethany reveals her mission to Bartleby, who tries to kill her, Bob throws the angels off the train. Bartleby and Loki now realize the consequences of their scheme, Loki wants no part of destroying all existence, but Bartleby remains angry at God for his expulsion, and for granting free will to humans, while demanding servitude from angels, and resolves to proceed.

Bethany asks why she has been called upon to save the universe, why can't God simply do it himself? Metatron admits that God's whereabouts are unknown, he disappeared while visiting New Jersey in human form to play skee ball. The task falls to Bethany because—she now learns—she is the last scion, a distant but direct blood relative of Jesus.

The group fails to persuade Glick to cancel the celebration. Jay steals one of Glick's golf clubs. Their only remaining option is to keep the angels out of the church, but Azrael and the triplets trap them in a bar to prevent them from doing so. Azrael reveals that he sent the news clipping to the angels, he would rather end all existence than spend eternity in Hell. Bob kills Azrael with the golf club, which Glick had blessed to improve his game. Bethany blesses the bar sink's contents, and the others drown the triplets in the holy water. They race to the church, where Bartleby kills Glick, his parishioners, and assorted bystanders. When Loki (who is now wingless, and therefore mortal, with a conscience) attempts to stop him, Bartleby kills him as well.

Jay attempts to seduce Bethany before all existence ends, when he mentions John Doe Jersey, Bethany finally puts all of the clues together. She and Bob race across the street to the hospital, as the others try to block Bartleby's path to the church. Bethany disconnects John's life support, liberating God, but killing herself. Bartleby reaches the church entrance, where he confronts God, manifested in female form, she annihilates him with her voice. Bob arrives with Bethany's lifeless body, God resurrects her, and conceives a child — the new last scion — within her womb. God, Metatron, Rufus, and Serendipity return to Heaven, leaving Bethany and the prophets to reflect on the past, and the future.

  • Ben Affleck as Bartleby
  • Matt Damon as Loki
  • Linda Fiorentino as Bethany Sloane
  • Salma Hayek as Serendipity
  • Jason Lee as Azrael
  • Jason Mewes as Jay
  • Alan Rickman as Metatron
  • Chris Rock as Rufus
  • Kevin Smith as Silent Bob
  • George Carlin as Cardinal Ignatius Glick
  • Bud Cort as John Doe Jersey/God
  • Alanis Morissette as God
  • Barret Hackney, Jared Pfennigwerth, and Kitao Sakurai as the Stygian Triplets

Development Edit

On October 25, 2000, Kevin Smith wrote an essay titled In the Beginning. The Story of Dogma, which details the history and genesis of how Dogma came to be. His essay is available on the Dogma 2-disc Special Edition DVD.

Before Smith began writing Clerks, he began noting down ideas for a film called God. During his brief period in film school, he essentially wrote the scene introducing Rufus, but this version did not feature Jay and Silent Bob. During the development of Clerks, Smith continued to jot down ideas for his God project, including having the main character be a high school jock, the conception of 13th Apostle, Rufus, and a muse named Serendipity, but, Smith didn't have a story to work off of.

By the time Clerks have been picked up for distribution, Smith began writing the first draft for the film. He felt calling the project God seemed inappropriate, and he retitled the project into Dogma. The first draft was completed on August 4, 1994, with 148 pages accomplished, and more additions were added on, the high school protagonist was changed to a stripper named Bethany who meets Jay and Silent Bob at a nudie booth, Azrael (or known throughout the script as the "Shadowy Figure") was introduced in the final 30 pages, and Bethany blew up the church in order to not let Bartleby and Loki pass through the archway. After Smith and Clerks producer Scott Mosier reread the draft, they decided that they didn't want Dogma to be their sophomore film, they didn't want to tackle a bigger scale picture until they felt ready to do it. Despite including the line "Jay and Silent Bob will return in Dogma" at the end of Clerks, Smith moved to Universal Studios in order to develop his next film, Mallrats.

During Mallrats ' production, Smith took another jab at the script and made some changes, Bethany's job went from stripper to an abortion clinic and included an orangutan for Jay and Silent Bob to hang out with. In 1996, he took another swing with the script, this time, he dropped the orangutan and reworked Bethany to be played by his then-girlfriend Joey Lauren Adams. During that time, he was writing Chasing Amy and got Ben Affleck to agree to be in both projects. And after Chasing Amy was released to critical and box-office success, Smith felt confident enough to make Dogma. [6]

Visual effects Edit

Smith and Mosier assembled a group of visual artists to realize their concept of a surreal, abstract environment "somewhere between reality and unreality": production designer Robert Holtzman, special effects supervisor Charles Belardinelli, creature effects supervisor Vincent Guastini, costume designer Abigail Murray, and director of photography Robert Yeoman. [7]

Locations Edit

Principal filming took place from April to June 1998. The triplets' attack on John Doe Jersey was filmed on the boardwalk in Asbury Park, New Jersey, all other scenes were shot in and around Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The Mexican restaurant in which Metatron explains Bethany's mission was the Franklin Inn in Franklin Park, north of Pittsburgh. Serendipity's pole dance and the Golgothan confrontation took place at the Park View Cafe (since renamed Crazy Mocha) on East North Avenue in Pittsburgh. The heroes plan their final strategy in the Grand Concourse Restaurant in the restored Pittsburgh and Lake Erie Railroad Station. St Michael's Church, site of the apocalyptic climax, is the Saints Peter and Paul Church—currently vacant—in East Liberty. [8]

Casting Edit

Jason Lee was initially attached to play Loki before he got the Azrael role. The role for Loki was instead played by Matt Damon, due to his onscreen chemistry with Affleck in Good Will Hunting. Smith envisioned Samuel L. Jackson for the role of Rufus, but after meeting Chris Rock, he decided that Rock was the right fit for the role. Alan Rickman was recruited to play Metatron. [6]

Critics expressed surprise at the film's eclectic casting, which Smith said was done deliberately to emphasize contrasts between characters — Rickman as the powerful Metatron, for example, opposite Mewes as the hopelessly verbose stoner Jay, ". a Shakespearean trained actor of the highest order next to a dude from New Jersey." Smith warned Mewes that he would have to take his acting to a higher level. "I really impressed upon him that he had to be prepared for this movie. 'There are real actors in this one,' we kept telling him." [7] In response, Mewes memorized not only his own dialogue but the entire screenplay, because he "didn't want to piss off that Rickman dude". [9]

Other unorthodox casting decisions included Mexican actress Salma Hayek as Serendipity — "the [Muse] who throughout history inspired all the geniuses of art and music, like Mozart and Michelangelo, and never got any of the credit" — and singer-songwriter Alanis Morissette as God. "There's a Zen Buddhist serenity to Alanis that calls to mind something otherworldly," Smith explained. "She's definitely ethereal in nature, even when not speaking, and she carries an air about her that played into the role." [7]

Deleted scene Edit

On the film's official website, Smith described a scene that did not make the final cut: a climactic face-off in the hospital between Silent Bob, a badly burned and half-decomposed triplet, and the Golgothan. The battle was to end with the triplet killing Bethany (temporarily), and God, newly liberated, transforming the Golgothan into flowers. Test audiences felt the scene had "too much Golgothan", and the film's run time already exceeded two hours, so the scene was eliminated. [10]

This film was originally scheduled for a November 1998 release, and to be released by Miramax Films, but due to controversy, [11] the film was postponed for a 1999 release, and the rights were passed on to Lions Gate Films. [12]

The soundtrack album accompanying the film was released in the United States on November 2, 1999, by Warner Bros. Records. It features an orchestral score by Howard Shore, performed by the London Philharmonic Orchestra, and the song "Still", written, performed, and produced by Morissette. Stephen Thomas Erlewine of Allmusic described the "rich, effective" score as "alternately melodramatic and humorous". [13]

  1. "Still" - Alanis Morissette - 6:18
  2. "Dogma" - 1:45
  3. "Behold The Metatron" - 4:29
  4. "Mooby the Golden Calf" - 2:53
  5. "The Golgothan" - 4:51
  6. "The Last Scion" - 3:22
  7. "Stygian Triplets" - 1:40
  8. "Bartleby & Loki" - 2:39
  9. "John Doe Jersey" - 6:54
  10. "A Very Relieved Deity" - 6:25

Several songs used in the film do not appear on the soundtrack, including "Magic Moments" performed by Perry Como, "Candy Girl" by New Edition, "Alabamy Bound" performed by Ray Charles, and others. In one scene, Matt Damon's Loki recites the hook of the Run-DMC song "Run's House".

Box office Edit

Dogma was the third-highest grossing film in its opening weekend, behind The Bone Collector and Pokémon: The First Movie, grossing $8.7 million. [14] The film grossed a domestic total of $30.7 million from a $10 million budget. [1] It remains the highest grossing film in Smith’s View Askewniverse series.

Critical response Edit

On Rotten Tomatoes, the film has an approval rating of 67% based on 127 reviews, with an average rating of 6.25/10. The site's critical consensus reads, "Provocative and audacious, Dogma is an uneven but thoughtful religious satire that's both respectful and irreverent." [15] On Metacritic, the film received a score of 62 out of 100, based on 36 critics, indicating "generally favorable reviews". [16] Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times awarded the film three-and-a-half stars (out of four). [17]

Some religious groups—in particular the activist Catholic League—denounced the film as blasphemous. [3] Other groups staged protests outside theaters screening the film. [5] Director Kevin Smith himself attended one of these protests, pretending to be opposed to the movie. [18] Roger Ebert noted that no official objection came from the Catholic Church itself. "We are actually free in this country to disagree about religion," Ebert wrote, "and blasphemy is not a crime." [17]

Accolade Edit

Year Award Category Nominee(s) Result
1999 The Stinkers Bad Movie Award Musicians Who Shouldn't Be Acting Alanis Morissette Nominated
2000 Satellite Award Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role, Comedy or Musical Alan Rickman Nominated
Best Original Song: "Still" Alanis Morissette Nominated
Independent Spirit Award Best Screenplay Kevin Smith Nominated
Las Vegas Film Critics Society Award Best Screenplay, Original Nominated
Golden Raspberry Awards Worst Supporting Actress Salma Hayek
(sharing with Wild Wild West)
Nominated
2001 Nebula Award for Best Script Best Script Kevin Smith Nominated
Golden Schmoes Award Best DVD of the Year Dogma: Special Edition Nominated

The film was screened, but was not entered in competition, at the 1999 Cannes Film Festival. [19]

Dogma was released on DVD and VHS by Columbia TriStar Home Video in May 2000, a Special 2-disc edition DVD in 2001, and on Blu-ray in March 2008. [20] [21] Dogma is unavailable to stream or purchase digitally due to the film's rights being owned personally by Bob and Harvey Weinstein in a deal that predates streaming. It is also out of print on home media, leading to inflated prices among resellers. [22]

In late November 2005, Smith responded to talk of a possible sequel on the ViewAskew.com message boards:

So weird you should ask this, because ever since 9/11, I have been thinking about a sequel of sorts. I mean, the worst terrorist attack on American soil was religiously bent. In the wake of said attack, the leader of the "Free World" outed himself as pretty damned Christian. In the last election, rather than a quagmire war abroad, the big issue was whether or not gay marriage was moral. Back when I made Dogma, I always maintained that another movie about religion wouldn't be forthcoming, as Dogma was the product of 28 years of religious and spiritual meditation, and I'd kinda shot my wad on the subject. Now? I think I might have more to say. And, yes, the Last Scion would be at the epicenter of it. And she'd have to be played by Alanis. And we'd need a bigger budget, because the entire third act would be the Apocalypse. Scary thing is this: the film would have to touch on Islam. And unlike the Catholic League, when those cats don't like what you do, they issue a death warrant on your ass. And now that I've got a family, I'm not as free to stir the shit-pot as I was when I was single, back when I made Dogma. I mean, now I've gotta think about more than my own safety and well-being, but regardless – yeah, a Dogma follow-up's been swimming around in my head for some time now. [23]

When asked about the sequel in October 2017, Smith said it would not happen, as he no longer desired to make any new religious films. [24]

Near the same time as the cancellation, just weeks before the Weinstein scandal broke to the public, Harvey Weinstein pitched to Smith about doing a sequel. Not much came from this pitch, but it was just a mere idea for Weinstein. According to Smith in an interview with Business Insider, he recalls:

I said, 'Hey, how are you?' And he goes, 'You know, we have Dogma, I just realized, and we got to get it out there again.' I said, 'We do! People online are always asking where they can get it. And he then goes, 'You know, that movie had a big cast, we might even be able to do a sequel.' And I was like, 'Yeah man, right on. I might think about that.' And he was like, 'We'll talk.' And a week later, the New York Times story breaks. I felt sick to my stomach.

Smith believes that he only got the call because, "It was him looking to see who was a friend still because his life was about to shift completely." [25]

Damon returned to reprise his role as a reborn Loki in Jay and Silent Bob Reboot. In a fourth-wall breaking monologue, he explains after the events of Dogma God once again banished him to Earth, this time to the Mediterranean Sea where he was rescued by Italian fishermen after getting amnesia, describing the plot of Damon's film The Bourne Identity: he remarks that would make his current form his "reborn identity".


15 things never to say to someone from New Jersey

Teacher showing map of new jersey on blackboard

Seriously, never say this. Never.

New Jersey is a small state where people speak with an amazing array of different accents, from the New Yorkish tawk of north Jersey to the near Virginia drawl of Cumberland County. But nowhere in the state does anyone, ever, pronounce the state "Joisey." That fact hasn't prevented the moronic masses from using it when they try to imitate New Jerseyans, often with the long worn-out catch phrase, "You from Joisey?"

That phrase comes from a early 1980's Saturday Night Live skit by Passaic born comedian Joe Piscopo. But as you can see in this rare clip, even Piscopo's character Paulie Herman never pronounced it "Joisey." Where that pronunciation came from isn't clear. But it is a scourge and we're sick of it . Anyone who utters it should be banned from the state forever. Or maybe just forced to watch this awful Piscopo skit on a loop for 24 hours.

John Munson/NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

2. 'Why can't I make a left turn?'

Complaining about not being able to make a left turn across four lanes of oncoming speeding, traffic is like asking why you’re forced to take the elevator up the Empire State Building instead of rappelling up the outside.

Jug handles are safer and easier. And New Jersey has more of them than any other state.

Federal traffic studies have found the travel times and number of stops per vehicle for New Jersey Jughandle Intersections (NJJI's, the engineers call them) are lower compared to conventional intersections for 'near-saturated' traffic conditions.

Frankly, they’re a lot less stressful than trying to find a gap in oncoming traffic to make that left turn. So learn to love 'em.

Scenic Pine Barrens view from Bass River State Forest. TUCKERTON, NJ 9/21/06 ANDREW MILLS/NJ Advance Media for NJ.com)

3. 'New Jersey is too crowded.'

Except 22 percent of it is empty, preserved pine forest. Another 17 percent or so is farmland. Did we mention the beaches? It takes a bit of work, but you can still get lost here.

Ledger Live for July 1, 2011 - Ledger Live with Brian Donohue. Star-Ledger columnist and author Mark Di Ionno discuss how New Jersey's rich Revolutionary War history is often overshadowed by other states that do a better job of protecting, celebrating, and promoting their heritage. Donohue and Di Ionno visit sites along the route from Elizabeth to Springfield where American and British forces fought in 1780, with Di Ionno asserting the area could have been akin to tourist destinations like Valley Forge or Boston's Freedom Trail - if only its legacy had been better cared for. Correction: the audio incorrectly states the year of the Battle of Springfield as 1790.

Brian Donohue | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

4. 'The Revolutionary War? That mostly happened in Massachusetts and Pennsylvania.'

Sure, we might not market this stuff as well as places like Valley Forge or Boston do. But just as many - if not more - crucial events in the Revolutionary War occurred in New Jersey as any of those states where people act like tri-corner hats are still in vogue. And if wasn’t for the stuff that went down in Jersey, you’d all be driving on the left side of the road (and using jug handles to turn right)

That truth is largely obscured because, as this video explains, we have done such a godawful job of promoting our Revolutionary War history. That’s our politicians fault. But ya know, those tri-corner hats don’t match our Cavariccis anyway.

Brian Donohue | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

5. 'Pork Roll? Taylor ham? What's that?'

Stop asking so many questions. That's not for you. It's mine and you can't have any.

Matt Doyle of Wall Township surfs in Manasquan. Andrew Mills | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

6. 'You can surf in New Jersey?'

As a longtime surfer, I’ve been asked this question many many times when traveling to other states or countries.

If you fish, hunt, watch birds, or engage in other types of nature-based activities, you probably get a similar question (just replace surfing with your activity) “Wait - there are bald eagles in New Jersey? There are whales? There are bears in New Jersey? You can ski in New Jersey? You can scuba dive there?”

“Yes,’’ you reply, and you can practically see the wiring in their brains smoking as their previous notion of the state as one giant toxic waste dump is shattered. I won’t even mention the fact that folks surprised by the surfing revelation seem to be ignorant of the fact that the state borders an ocean.

See, people ignorant of what our state is really like think it’s entirely paved over and polluted. Actually, the more they think that, the better the better it is for the rest of us who realize it's still remarkably easy to find beauty and solitude in such a crowded place.

Tony Kurdzuk | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

7. 'Your governor is ______ '

Please stop. When we New Jersey residents leave the state these days, the first person we bump into inevitably starts chewing our ear off about Chris Christie. Left wingers want to tell us how terrible he is, because, well, he’s loud and he’s not on their team.

Conservatives like to tell us how what a straight shooter he is, how he “tells it like it is.”

We’re the ones who know both sides have it all wrong. We know Christie for what he is - a decent guy with his share of flaws, but mostly a politician through and through and as much as a bull thrower (maybe moreso) as any of the rest we've seen come and go. He doesn’t fool us (his poll numbers prove it). Because we’re from New Jersey.

Frankly, we’re tired of talking about him. And he’s hardly even around any more anyway.

VIDEO: Joe Piscopo recounts the origin on the catchphrase 'What Exit?' (Lisa Rose/The Star-Ledger)

Lisa Rose | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Another trope that came from the 1981 Piscopo piece on SNL. In this interview with the Star-Ledger last year, Piscopo says he didn’t think the joke had legs and in his mind, it was a tribute to the ebullience of New Jerseyans. It’s based on something a perky woman on the Cape May ferry said to him. It’s a great line. And yes, there’s some truth to it. Some of us do occasionally use our local exit as a reference point (when there’s 566 towns in your state sometimes you need a more broad point of reference).

But here’s the deal with this. We can say this. Two Jerseyans discussing where they’re from? Yeah, we can use Turnpike and Parkway exit numbers as a reference, one Jerseyan to another. Because we know that once we get off those exits we take back roads to a dizzying array of great towns and wonderful places we call home.

But you people who think the state is one long highway and are saying it as a joke? This phrase is not for you. Don’t use it.

I the first in a series of videos in which we try to find the source of mysterious odors readers and viewers smell on their daily travels, we track down what a one person describes as the smell of 'animal guts, old diapers and coffee' along the New Jersey Turnpike in Newark.

Brian Donohue | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Damn right it does. The place stinks. Stinkiest state in the Union. I’m not denying it. But not all those smells are bad. Ever smell Newark’s Ironbound on a Saturday night with smells of paella and rodizio wafting down Ferry Street? The smell of the ocean? The mix of pizza, fried dough and salt air on the boardwalk in Wildwood? Even the window-raising odors you hit on the New Jersey Turnpike are a sign that stuff is happening here - old stuff’s rotting away, new stuff is being made, and people are on the move. I’d rather live in a state with a lot of interesting smells.


Watch the video: Young Lay ft. Mac Mall u0026 Ray Luv - All About My Fetti Explicit


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